10 Things to Know When You Turn Sixty
“Aging happens, because we cannot stop it, and it is not what we feared.”
–Victoria Smith, Hags
On the morning of my sixtieth birthday party, my firstborn and I walked to a breakfast cafe in Berkeley. “It’s funny,” I said. “I don’t feel old. I feel great.”
My son looked at me and smiled. “Well, I’ll tell you something that will make you feel old. You’re going to be a grandma.”
News of my granddaughter’s pending arrival didn’t make me feel decrepit or demented or any of the other nasty messages we get about aging. Nothing could have. The discrepancy between those stereotypes and the vivid life I lived was too stark. I was swimming four times a week, I had lovers and a successful career, most of my kids were grown, my health was great. I had switched teams from Princess to Crone; and yet my life so different than the frail and forgetful olders in the media, why was that?
The party that night was raucous and fun (including an ill-advised attempt by my daughters to get me to try weed for the first time). But no one handed me a roadmap to navigate the realities of a decade that was transformative, in very different ways than society predicts.
Ten years later I turned seventy: Another raucous birthday party, this time featuring four grandchildren dancing to loud rock-and-roll. The decade of my sixties had been terrific. I’d switched from my corporate career to living my dream of writing and publishing books. I’d met my wonderful partner and we had settled in a lovely home in a new state. All four of my children were launched and doing well. As I look back on my confusion about turning sixty, and what I learned over the next ten years, these ten ideas would have been a great introduction to that secretly wonderful decade.
- Do not let the future be the enemy of the present. Every living creature, no matter their age, owes the universe a death. Yours may be collected tomorrow or decades from now. Worrying doesn’t change it, and it’s not your job to carry other people’s fears. Your remaining years may be longer than the entire lifespan of a human in the Middle Ages.
- Remember the words of the immortal Maggie Kuhn, crone foremother and founder of the Gray Panthers: Learning and sex until rigor mortis. Both of these — curiosity and sexuality — are foundational. We grow and change throughout life, and this decade is our chance to explore new skills and ideas. What would you like to learn that you’ve never had time to study? And sexuality is our birthright. It is not a gift or burden imposed by the male gaze, but rather is innate to each of us. How we use our libidinal energy is our choice. We may have sex with another, or have solo sex, or channel that energy into play and creativity, or all three.
- Creativity is now your superpower. Reclaiming play is one of the great joys of our sixties. All the bliss you’ve experienced, all the sorrow, every unexpected turn of fate — it’s all material for your art. You are at peak creative power. And each vivid story you write, each vibrant painting you create, puts the lie to gendered ageism.
- We create our own aesthetic. There is no need to buy into conventional ideas of beauty or fashion. We can make up our own. You might choose to be invisible on a Tuesday, and by Wednesday you’re decked out like Iris Apfel. And how you, or any other woman, presents herself deserves respect form all.
- This decade is your chance to pay it forward. Those of us who are privileged with freedom from work can help redress the inequities that keep other older women down. Women who provided unpaid labor to their families for decades and were underpaid when they worked outside the home deserve to live with dignity in their later years. We can advocate for public policy that enables older women to have security in keeping with all they have contributed. We can volunteer and provide financial support. We can also model the change for our daughters, granddaughters and younger women around us.
- The paradox of aging is that there are losses and gains. Society focuses on the losses; we can, and must, focus on the gains: the perspectives our long lives provide, the shedding of early conditioning and shame, and the reclamation of our time. As Leonard Cohen said, “Ring the bells that still can ring.”
- The U-Shaped Happiness Curve is real. That’s because in our sixties and beyond we regain our freedom. So follow your bliss: Do the thing you were put on this planet to do. It’s about time you put yourself first. If you are able to retire, embrace it. Do it as soon as you can. And before you do, take time to consider what this epic part of your life will be about.
- The challenges you’ll encounter have workarounds. Yes, we might have less energy. Yes, there is medical gendered ageism. Yes, there’s that old bugaboo, invisibility. There are ways to manage all of that, leaving us time to do the really important work of whatever the hell we feel like.
- Every princess grows into a (supposedly wicked) witch whose real name is CronePower. Think Maleficent but with a sense of humor and a gym membership. This is a lesson we can give our daughters for when it’s their turn: Young and beautiful is all well and good, but old and powerful can be better.
- We are more powerful together. Immerse yourself in Crone Culture: Read books by older women. Listen to podcasts. Listen to older women. If you’re strapped, consider Golden Girls housing. Find your posse. We can be the first to pay attention to each other, and invite the apprentice crones to join us.
Turning Sixty
That’s what I would like to tell my newly minted sixty-year-old self, and that’s what I’d like you to know if you are turning sixty.
Now if I could just find an eighty-year-old to tell me what to expect in my seventies….
