Marriage: The Business of Romance

Many of us grew up with firm ideas about love and marriage: Charming Princes coming to our rescue, “playing house” with our friends. Yet our divorce rate is over 40%. While our expectations of marriage do not match reality, the money we spend on weddings keeps growing (Estimated wedding market in 2024: $65 Billion). Love and trust require initial clarity and lifetime maintenance.

This essay is for those seeking a rewarding long-term relationship based on trust, love, and expectation management. Many believe living together is easier, but without mutually considered estate planning, you may not get what you need long term. Marriage may not be for everyone; let’s explore what is right for you.

Marriage · The Business of Romance

You’ve fallen in love with someone you trust. Now you’re considering the possibility of marriage. Love is great, but there are elements to explore if love is to last beyond the first crisis.

Marriage is a contractual partnership but few write, or read, the contract.  Contract means a legally binding agreement made between two or more parties which creates mutual obligations. Typically, this involves an offer from one party (a proposal) and an acceptance from another, and to be valid it requires an exchange of value (consideration) in promises or vows. If a party fails to fulfill their obligations, the other party is entitled to legal recourse (divorce).

Because few couples clarify their expectations, the partnership may begin without a clear understanding. For example, just because you marry someone, they do not automatically have power of attorney over your personal business transactions. To grant someone that authority requires the legal documents in your written estate plan.

Let’s explore some Tax, Legal, Financial, and Quality of Life issues important to discuss at the beginning of a relationship (and before the wedding). These concepts apply to everyone who loves deeply and wants a lasting, reliable relationship. Love is love, and the business of life must be managed by each of us as adults. If your loving situation includes more than one person, please consider mutual estate planning. This essay is just to inspire your planning. Please seek legal counsel in your jurisdiction, as laws vary from state to state.

I remarried ten years ago after a five-year courtship which included living together. He has four kids, I have two. I owned my own business and he was a government employee. Our personal values were aligned, we loved each other romantically, but each had been burned in previous relationships. How does love grow when we come to it with distrust? We had to find a way to make sure that the business of our lives would blend in the right places.

How To Begin?

Prenuptial agreements aren’t for everyone; yet everyone entering into a marriage (especially a second marriage) should have a legal review of their assets and a tax planning meeting with their CPA BEFORE getting married. There are mysteries to explore and obstacles to consider before you ponder the details of your someday wedding.

One big secret about adulthood: We are ALL figuring things out as we go along. Learning life as we live it makes it impractical to teach children about every adulthood detail as we experience it ourselves. Please be kind to yourself and to the people with whom you grew up. No one’s perfect, or perfectly skilled, especially when it comes to training us for our own adulthood.

If you experienced trauma as a kid, you may want to address it with a professional therapist before marriage, because it may affect how you manage the business of your life. I believe everyone who is willing to do the work can love and be loved in meaningful ways. The goal is to become the kind of partner you want to have, and in a healthy partnership, leadership moves back and forth.

Many of our marriage concepts come from stories we hear. What brought people together and then tore them apart may make for entertainment, but we rarely see the personal details with any accuracy. I have come to believe that in American culture, our marriage rituals and process are out of order. We should have the hard conversations first. Let’s explore some concepts which will prepare the ground on which we build our lives.

Expectation Management – What we hope for and what we get are often very different. Why? Communicating effectively is the hardest thing to do. Sharing what you expect from another person gives them the opportunity to provide it to you, and they also have the opportunity to say no. This can be uncomfortable, yet talking it through can create a more loving and honest foundation. Does your partner know all that you expect of them? Do you know what they expect of you?

No one person can deliver all of the emotional security a person needs. Would you be alright with your partner if you expressed a need and they said no, or not now?

Integrity – How are you about commitments? What do you know about your partner’s follow through? Dating gives us a chance to learn more about how each of us handles adversity. If they have been hurt in the past, what was their responsibility? One’s credit score might be an indication of their promise keeping, or it might show that they never had proper financial training. Building trust with another person requires honest willingness to improve one’s integrity.

Sometimes our financial style just doesn’t mesh with another’s way of being, but a strong couple knows they can rely on the other person to keep their commitments. If you are wondering if your new love will take advantage of you, or feel you need to hide your assets, this may not be a good potential partnership.

Communication – Building a structure for safe communication can make all the difference. What makes you feel safe when talking about intense feelings? Do you want to be held when you cry, or would you prefer to be left alone? Can you ask for what you need from your partner, or do you feel you have to be careful?

You and your partner must find a way to communicate that works best for you both. Stay curious. When there is tension, consider that your partner’s words are about how they feel and think; what they say is not automatically about you. Establish a place or a time to create mutual safety where you can each say what you need. Working with a couples therapist, or taking classes in this kind of communication, can provide the tools to navigate misunderstandings. I recommend pursuing these tools before marriage.

Teamwork – Who does what, and when? What if one partner is not able to meet their commitments? No one can row a boat at 100%, 24/7. Successful team members know their strengths and the strengths of their teammates. When you love and respect each other, you share the work in ways that function best.

In many couples, one person pays the bills, another might maintain the couple’s social calendar. Lean into each other’s happiest functions and talk about the jobs that need doing, and who will do them. The best time to cross train is as soon as a routine is established. For instance, if one person is typically responsible for trash management, the other should know when the trash gets picked up, so there is always a backup plan.

Mutual and Separate – What makes us, us? What do I need to pursue to be happy in my own way? Where do these two paths intersect?

From a financial perspective, I suggest a “yours, mine and ours” approach. Coming together to create a single household requires lots of discussion about how things will work. In my home, each of us brought in income, and we each have some of our own expenditures (we each have kids from a previous marriage).

We buy some things individually with our own resources (like when I buy a gift for my partner, I use my own funds), and we spend from our mutual account on groceries, vacations, and household bills. My partner is the bill payer. If something happens to my partner, I know where to find the latest statements, and I know where he banks for his personal accounts. We have an estate plan, together, in which our home is titled, and so is our mutual bank account.

Whole Life Planning means blending your desires for quality of life along with your personal logistics. Estate planning gives you a place to list your preferences, grant authority to people you trust, and to lay out what is important to you.

How do you learn if the person you hope to partner with is right for you?

From our first meeting, I thought of my partner as a good person, a responsible and caring dad, and very handsome, yet I didn’t feel like I knew enough about him to let him inside my heart and body.

On our third date, we talked about what we hoped for in a relationship, not necessarily from each other. When I saw that he might go farther with me, I asked to see his tax return. I was really attracted to him, and although we had kissed, we had not yet pursued a fully physical relationship. Neither of us wanted to be hurt again, and neither of us wanted just a few meaningless sexual encounters.

We set up a time to share our financial information and show each other our tax returns. I said what was important to me regarding stability, savings, and a secure future. He had been married before, but had never shared finances with someone he was dating. Neither had I, but I wanted my next relationship to be genuinely mutually supportive. I had to be clear on what I brought to the relationship, which gave me courage to ask what he was bringing.

In my past love affairs, attraction did all the talking and the business of life was set aside to deal with later. Before we met, I had made the conscious decision not to get involved ever again with an irresponsible person. We met when I was 45 and he was 48. We had both been burned financially and emotionally in past marriages. He only wanted to have sex if he was in a committed relationship. It was easy to agree.

After three months of dating, we gave in to our desire for each other because we knew this was right for both of us.  I am so grateful for what we have sixteen years later.

Once we were committed, we introduced each other to our kids, who were then under 18. We moved in together when we’d known each other eighteen months and married five years after we met. From time to time we had disagreements and learned how to get through them. We visited a marriage counselor when we didn’t have the tools to talk about uncomfortable topics.

We met with an estate planning attorney months before our wedding date. We married on a Saturday and signed our estate planning documents the following Monday. No way was I going on a honeymoon without our estate plan done!

Interview Your Date – Having fun with another person may be enough, so it is up to you to gauge how deep you want to go in conversation. Of course, you should be willing to answer the questions you ask.

You mustn’t share personal financial information or your home address with anyone you just met in person or through social media. Please take precautions and stay safe. Anyone who asks you for money in any form (plane tickets, groceries, cash), no matter how you met them but especially online, is bad news. The instant the request for any form of money is made, don’t give them the money and do cut off all contact. Better to have a temporarily broken heart than a permanently empty bank account. Romance scams are real, and loneliness is too often used against us.

Anyone you just met who insists on having sex with you is unlikely to want a long-term partnership. As my Dad would say, “masturbation eliminates desperation;” take care of yourself until you meet someone who wants to be with you as a whole person, not just a warm body. Sexuality needn’t have anything to do with partnership, until it does. Good chemistry without thorough communication is not enough to establish the kind of partnership that will see you through sickness and health, poverty and wealth.

The following discussion points are offered to help you start the commitment conversation. None of it should be construed as legal advice. I am not an attorney, so use what you like and leave the rest.

Kids and Family – Do you or your prospective partner have kids? What do you love about your family and friends? What do your loved ones do that makes you feel loved by them? What do you do to make them feel your love?

Money – What is your relationship with money? How do you like to pay your bills? How’s your credit? What is the most important thing to you about money management? Do you prepare your own tax return? What do you need to feel financially secure?

Home – What do you like about where you live? What are your responsibilities at home (roommates, rent or own, shared chores, etc.)? If you could live anywhere, where would that be, and why?

Fun – What do you do for fun? What activity puts you into a flow state, where time doesn’t matter? What does retirement look like? What places or experiences are top of your list?

Work – What is, or was, the most satisfying thing about your work life? Is this what you want to do for the next ten years, or is there something else calling your heart? Do you, or would you like to, own your own business? How much time every week do you devote to your work life?

End of Life – What is your concept of a life well lived? If you were 110 years old looking back, what accomplishments would make you feel that you lived your life in the best way possible? What gives your life meaning?

Estate Planning – It’s important to me that I have an estate plan; do you? What do you know about estate planning? Would you like to learn more? Someday we may each become vulnerable and need help. How do you like to receive help: only when you ask, or do you want help to be offered?

Mindset – How do you handle setbacks? What’s been your most challenging obstacle, and how did you deal with it? If everyone ten years younger were listening to you, what would you tell them about living well?

Few of us examine our choices in ways we can easily communicate to someone new. Be patient as you ask, listen, and respond. These questions are designed to prompt meaningful conversation, not argument. Stay curious and wonder, Will we grow together? Listen for their willingness to learn, and for the questions they ask you.

When it comes to romance, I hope you enjoy all the joy and excitement you can. When it comes to marriage, please know what you are signing up for, what you are willing to give, what you need to receive. May your partnership be filled with love and trust.