On Taking Space (Inner and Outer) 

In her poem, “Fire,” poet Judy Brown reminds us that fuel is not the only thing a fire needs; a fire also burns because of space between the logs. Space enables fire in the same way that space rekindles attraction between longtime partners. Space also revives us when we rest between tasks. And space allows our grown children to develop their own lives.

I don’t know about you, but for me none of this space stuff is easy. For example, not only do I live with my partner, he also Indie publishes most of my books. When you live and work with someone, maintaining space can be a challenge. In her fabulous book, Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel uses the same fire metaphor when she writes about space and attraction:

Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.

Fire needs air, whether that fire is attraction or ambition. As for creating space between tasks: My To Do List seems to get longer every day, no matter how quickly I run. I know I need down time, but where is it? What a joke to say I’m “retired,” especially during a new book launch.

When I ponder what to do about my To Do List, I remember the scene in Frog and Toad Together when the two friends sit on the stoop and watch Toad’s list blow down the street. “Aren’t you going to chase it?” asks Frog. “Chasing the list was not on the list,” says Toad. But fortunately, that night Toad remembers that going to sleep was on the list.

And as for allowing my grown children the space to tend their own fires, won’t I always know best what they need to be doing? After all, no matter their age, I have more life experience. For thoughts on that, I turn to Kahlil Gibran.

Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

In other words, Back Off. Give the kids some space.

With so much wisdom to draw from, this business of creating space should be easy, shouldn’t it?

I wish.

Now in my seventies, you’d think I would have serenity down pat. And you’d think that serenity would mean giving everybody, myself included, some space. Not quite. Though to be fair, I’m better at it than I was five years ago. My partner and I work on different floors of our house, often don’t see each other for much of the day, and we sometimes take separate trips.

I pay attention to my (annoying but helpful) smart watch and take breaks from my action list to go for a walk when it reminds me. And I don’t chase my children as much as I did; I’m better about letting them come to me. What’s the next step in not worrying about the next step? Perhaps some space from my own ego and anxieties.

Internal Family Systems

If you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, you might remember how emotions are shown inside the main character’s brain, taking turns wresting control from one another. The whole story is a fairly accurate portrayal of the concepts behind Internal Family Systems Therapy. IFS teaches that our personhood is a sort of committee that includes the infamous Inner Critic along with other personas. In my case, there’s an Inner Xena, an Inner Nerd, and various other characters. The ultimate goal of this therapy is to empower the wisest inner self, the self that is unattached to outcome.

Taking Space for Myself

Enabling that wise self seems like the ultimate way to create space. After all, if we are not tied to things going “our way,” why not cut everyone (ourselves included) some slack? Isn’t that the height of wisdom? And perhaps the gift of our growing awareness of our own mortality? Years ago I had a professor who announced in class, “You will die with a full in-box.”

That is an idea worth pondering, even if it means putting off a few To Do items.

In other words, Back Off. Give yourself some space.