Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships
If polyamory is new or unfamiliar to you, you aren’t alone! Until a few years ago, most people who practiced any relationship style other than monogamy were very discreet and kept their polyamorous lives private. Nonmonogamous relationships were treated with disapproval at best, or fear and contempt at worst. Recently there has been more media attention on these less traditional relationship forms and more poly people have “come out of the closet” to friends, relatives, and even on the job. Consensual nonmonogamy, open relationships, and polyamory are used interchangeably by most people to describe any relationship that is not strictly monogamous, where all parties know about any other partners, and everyone involved has consented to any other relationships. While there are many different models of non-monogamous relationships, the key components are honesty, full disclosure, and keeping agreements.
Many people have asked me, “Why on earth would anyone choose that?” Polyamorous folks are a very diverse group, and each person chooses to have the option of multiple partners for different reasons. Boiled down to their essence, these motivations generally fall into two categories: More or Different. Some people want to have more than one partner because they love everything they are getting in their relationship but would like more of it. For example, they may want more time, more attention, more romance, more affection, or more sex than they receive from their partner, and seek to satisfy that need with an additional partner. Others are happy with their relationship but there is some key resource missing. For instance, someone who is bisexual may want something that only a different-gendered partner can provide. Or someone may have a desire for kink or role-playing which their primary partner cannot fulfill.
Through my counseling work with poly folks, I accidentally stumbled into a “side hustle,” writing books about consensually non-monogamous relationships. It started in the 1990s when I wrote pamphlets on open relationships because there was very little available, and my clients were always asking me, “Isn’t there a book I could read about how to do this?” Eventually, a publisher asked me to write a “how to” book on polyamory. By that time The Ethical Slut had been written but I considered that book to be “Poly 2.0” and my clients really needed “Poly 101.” I wrote three books: Love in Abundance, The Jealousy Workbook, and The Polyamory Break-up Book, each to fill a specific need that was not being met in the scant literature on the topic.
Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships evolved differently. A friend was at work on a book about “poly geezers,” and asked me to write a chapter about issues that brought older poly folks to counseling. I soon had written 100 pages and was trying to cut it down to size when my friend changed the focus for his book and I decided to write this book myself.
My process was not scientific, and my research methods were informal. I interviewed a lot of my older poly clients, and recruited other people through poly discussion groups. I wanted poly elders to tell their own stories, without any direction from me. I just asked them a few open-ended questions about how they happened to become polyamorous and what aging in poly relationships has been like for them. They seemed eager to tell me everything about their poly lives from their youth to old age, and I rapidly amassed a wealth of material,
The book allows this unique group of poly folks fifty-five and older to tell their stories in their own words. They talk about the joys and challenges of multiple relationships and aging. They describe the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as managing all the usual issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities; assuming caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives; grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners; retiring from careers and starting new lives; and potentially moving into some form of senior living.
Most of the research and writing available on polyamory does not sort by age, and as a result it is nearly impossible to find any useful information about older poly people and their lives. There was one study of long-term gay male couples who are in open relationships in which at least half of the participants were elders, and another study of older poly heterosexual individuals which studied their sex lives. One other researcher has conducted a 25-year longitudinal study of poly families with children, and many of those families were elders by the end of the study. Other than these three studies, I had to rely on the interviews. As a result, I could identify trends, but there was not enough data to come to any certain conclusions.
Some things I heard from the people I interviewed surprised me, but, in retrospect, made a lot of sense. For instance, most older poly folks have long since managed to tame “the green-eyed monster” of jealousy, and most reported experiencing little or no jealousy about their partners’ other partners at this stage of life. Most poly geezers have been with their partners for decades, and the longevity, stability, and security of their relationships has made them feel safe and loved. As one person put it, “If she was going to leave me for any other partner, she would have done it by now.” Another said, “My partner has had the same lover for 25 years. While I was insanely jealous at first, I eventually got over it. Besides, she has always been respectful of our relationship, and that went a long way towards making me less jealous.” Another simply said, “None of us old folks have the energy for ‘poly drama’ anymore, so we have let go of any jealousy we used to feel.”
Another fascinating trend: Some monogamously-oriented older women have established long-term committed relationships with poly married men and have been surprised to find polyamory pretty satisfying. They told me that when they were younger, they could only be happy in a monogamous relationship, but the reasons they needed monogamy no longer exist. They wanted a man to be a full-time co-parent and share the financial burden of raising children, but their kids have long since left home. And some said they felt a full-time relationship would get in the way of fulfilling goals and dreams they were forced to defer while raising children and working full-time, such as starting a business or completing their college education. Others said they get so much companionship and emotional intimacy through spending time with their adult children and grandchildren that they don’t need or want very much from a man.
Aging in Open Relationships
Many people said they have discovered unexpected advantages of polyamory as they age. They acknowledged that they were first drawn to polyamory for all the love, sex, intimacy, and adventure. However, in their elder years, they cited having multiple partners and metamours (a partner’s other partners) as a resilient model of aging. They explain that more people are likely to have more resources, including multiple incomes, more people to share the work, and more sources of emotional support. Many said their partners and metamours had come through for them in every crisis they encountered in aging. This was particularly underlined during the first year of the pandemic when so many people had lost jobs and income. Many poly elders talked about the ways their polycule had shown up for them to support them, including partners, metamours, and even ex-lovers. They described how their other partners have been allies in caring for a sick or disabled partner, or providing care and financial support for elderly parents or in-laws. This was especially true because many poly people are estranged from blood relatives who rejected them due to their unconventional lifestyle. These were not the advantages they had been thinking about when they first became poly decades ago.
Another trend is that the majority of poly elders are married or cohabiting couples, both LGBT and heterosexual, and each person in the couple has one or more committed long-term outside relationships with others who do not live with them. There is a small minority of poly elders who live in triads, and most of those “throuples” have lived together for decades. A small minority of poly geezers utilize a hybrid model where one partner has two spouses and lives with each partner half-time. However, the dominant model for poly elders seems to be a primary couple cohabiting and having other significant outside relationships.
It is not clear whether younger poly people are more likely than elders to live in triads, quads, or other configurations where more than two partners are living together as a family. And I could find no research to indicate whether younger poly folks are more likely to live alone than poly elders. The few poly elders I interviewed who lived alone were women who were “doubly widowed,” who had had two concurrent primary relationships with men, both of whom had died.
In my private practice, I see many younger poly folks in their twenties, thirties, and forties living together as threesomes and moresomes, but unfortunately very few of those poly families survive for more than a few years. While younger people are trying out more radical forms of polyamory, most have not found them to be sustainable long-term. Many younger poly folks also practice relationship anarchy, a non-hierarchical relationship model, where they do not live with any partner, each person is very autonomous and not part of a couple, and each of their relationships is very fluid. Poly elders are more likely to be in a hierarchical form of polyamory, as part of a married or cohabiting couple that is considered their primary relationship, or which may be a co-primary relationship as they may have another lover that is also a long-term committed partnership.
A major concern voiced by many poly geezers is the need for poly-friendly senior housing. Many people told me it is difficult for them to live independently any longer due to illness or disability, but they fear stigma and discrimination in senior housing. Those who have made the move to assisted living facilities have chosen to remain closeted or have only come out very selectively. Many senior living facilities are owned by churches or large corporations and residents give up a lot of control when they move in. In recent years, LGBT elders have built LGBT-friendly senior living facilities after experiencing homophobia in traditional senior housing. Poly people may have to follow their example and develop new poly-friendly senior housing where poly elders can feel accepted.
If you would like to find out more about consensual nonmonogamy, go to www.polyamory.com for additional information. For information on groups and events in your area, click on the “Meetings and Events” page. You can also visit Kathy’s website.
7 Responses
Dear Martin,
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post, and giving me more information on the many ways to live Solo Poly! You mentioned having been in a couple and family relationship when you were raising children, and many people make a similar lifestyle choice while parenting children, just for the sake of simplicity and practicality during an extremely busy and exhausting time period. Particularly as we age, there are many good reasons to live alone or in some type of community rather than with a partner or partners.
For many of us, part of the appeal of polyamory is not being with the same person all the time, and having a variety of people in our lives as well as having “down time” to have solitude. As a wise person once said, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?”
I especially appreciate the commitments you listed that you are comfortable making with your partners, they are so sensible and very loving, demonstrating your care and concern for your partners’ happiness and well being. Thank you for sharing them!
Kathy
I am 76 years old and have been actively solo poly for 13 years (since 2010). During the decade of my 30s (1976-1986) I also lived this way before there was a label for it, but put it on hold for 20+ years to raise children with a woman who was emphatically monogamous and insisted that I be as well.
I feel like I was born this way, but acquiesced to the dominant cultural narrative that the only legitimate way to have any intimate relationships at all was to limit it to one at a time. I proved that I can do that, but it always felt like wearing clothes that were too tight. I can’t imagine ever going back to monogamy.
At this point in my life, the only reasons I can think of to cohabit with anybody are physical or mental disability, or financial destitution. My experience has been that too much togetherness undermines intimacy. I don’t like the person I become when somebody else is around all the time, no matter how much I might like or love them. It’s not because I’m selfish or afraid of commitment. It’s because I need regular periods (days or weeks, not hours) of solitude to assimilate intimate experiences and to reconnect with my own source and center.
I make a distinction between commitments and promises. As I see it, promises are (futile) attempts to bind the future by specifying what I will or won’t do in unspecified or hypothetical circumstances. Commitments on the other hand focus on the values and intentions that motivate and inform my choices in the ever-changing present. For example, here are some commitments that I make to all of my intimate partners:
I will honor and support your autonomy, sovereignty and agency by respecting your choices about how to arrange your life, how to spend your time and how to relate to other people.
I will give you first claim to my full and undivided attention, and be emotionally open and available to you when we are together.
I will follow through on plans and agreements, or renegotiate them in a timely manner if it becomes clear that I can’t do what I previously agreed to do.
I will protect your health by taking agreed-upon precautions to reduce the likelihood of transmitting communicable diseases.
I will reveal in a timely manner any known or likely exposures to communicable diseases, or any symptoms that may indicate an active infection.
I will reveal connections with other people that have recently become, or seem likely to soon become emotionally or physically intimate.
I will reveal in a timely manner circumstances or concerns that are arising for me that may affect the nature and quality of our relationship, or require a renegotiation of our previous plans or agreements.
I am resigned to the fact that solo polyamory is, and probably will remain a minority within the community of people who practice some form of non-monogamy. Because of this, it is likely to often be misrepresented and misunderstood, both within that community and in the larger society.
The idea that the fundamental unit of society is the couple, not the individual, is quite ancient and unlikely to change much within the brief span of a human lifetime. So it behooves those of us who choose to live autonomously within an overwhelmingly couple-centric society to come to terms with the fact that we are a tiny minority, and find a way to exist within the dominant culture that doesn’t lead us into bitterness and resentment. Of course, when opportunities arise we can try to correct misrepresentations and misunderstandings, but hopefully we can learn to do so without rancor.
In my 50s or 60s I probably would have been annoyed to be called a geezer. Although I still wouldn’t self-identify that way, it doesn’t bother me now. I’ve learned to save my righteous indignation for things that deeply offend my sense of justice and morality such as racism, sexism, the dehumanization of immigrants, LGBTQ folks and other marginalized groups, and the undermining of democratic institutions, the right to vote and the sanctity of elections.
Hi Amy!
Thank you so much for your great comments, and for such a clear and articulate explanation of Solo Poly and how beneficial it can be for women, especially older women.
Clearly, the people I have known in the poly community as well as my clients are practicing a very different version of Solo Poly than the one you describe. The folks I have known have described themselves as “Single” as well as “Solo Poly,” and have expressed a strong preference for very part-time relationships and expressed that they do not want to enter a committed long-term relationship. And as I mentioned, some have seen Solo Poly as a short-term relational style while going through a divorce, or while being extremely busy with careers, family care-giving responsibilities, or other commitments, so they feel that they don’t have the bandwidth for more committed relationships right now, but intend to eventually have room in their lives for more committed partnerships.
So, clearly, I have only been exposed to a specific type of Solo Poly, and I am thrilled to hear that there is a much broader definition and that people are practicing Solo Poly in a much more diverse universe of relationships, both very committed and serious relationships as well as more part-time relationships. I love the way you have conceptualized it, and particularly how you have explained that for some older women, it allows them to maintain their hard-won independence and autonomy by not co-mingling their finances and living spaces with partners. This is a wonderful development and one which I would certainly want to encourage. I am so glad to hear that you are aware of a lot of people who are making this model work for them.
Thank you for schooling me on this, as I have inadvertently been describing only a very limited segment of all of the Solo Poly possibilities. I don’t think people have been reluctant to engage with me on this topic, as you suggest, but rather that in my involvement in the poly community and in my work with clients, I have only been exposed to one very limited model of Solo Poly.
Respectfully, from this 56-year-old solo polyamorous “Geezer” — solo polyamory is not a phase – not for me, and not for many others. Also, solo polyamory often is very much about deep, long-term commitment in relationships — we just usually don’t prefer to merge the infrastructure of our life (housing, finances, etc.) or identity within any relationship that is romantically, sexually, or otherwise deeply intimate. It’s increasingly common for solos of all ages, including solo polyamorous people, to exist within a web of mutually supportive relationships.
This isn’t just about polyamory. Many elders (especially straight women) who find themselves solo in their later years (by choice or circumstance) deliberately choose not to cohabit with, merge finances with, or marry any intimate partner. Such partnerships do not guarantee support — and they can easily risks to financial health and life circumstances. People (especially women) who have achieved independence and who have their own home, privacy, and savings are often wary of automatic shared ownership of these things that come with legal marriage. The author might wish to reference Bella DiPaulo’s acclaimed research on singles, including aging for people who may be logistically (if not relationally) single.
Consciously fostering a rich web of mutually supportive relationships — which includes people of a variety of ages, ability levels, and strengths — can prove much more resilient for aging well (and often in place) than defaulting to marriage/cohabiting intimate relationships. Even a cohabiting polycule can feel isolating.
If the author has not encountered may people with this positive experience of aging solo, then perhaps they might want to consider how dismissive attitudes toward solo and egalitarian approaches to love and life might alienate people who practice these lifestyles from wanting to engage with you on these topics.
Hi Rowen! Thanks for all your great comments and I will try to respond to each one, with a few sentences after each part of your italicized comments (your quotes from my book are in bold). I would encourage other poly elders to respond as well with your own experiences and thoughts.
“…motivations generally fall into two categories: More or Different. Some people want to have more than one partner because they love everything they are getting in their relationship but would like more of it….Others are happy with their relationship but there is some key resource missing.”
~~ You failed to mention the number one reason…..the majority of poly folk in poly groups state that they just aren’t monogamously oriented…period. Therefore we have no wish to limit ourselves to a single partner if we meet others who we also mesh well with. And…wanting more partners to fill some sort of hole is *never* a good reason to seek multiple partners.
In my 50 years of experience in the poly/consensually nonmonogamous community, only a very small percentage of people have told me that they are not monogamously oriented. Most people have said that in some or most relationships, they had a desire to add something different, such as a particular kink or some other relationship resource such as craving sex or romance with a different gendered partner, or to have more of something they loved in their current relationships, such as more sex, more romance, or more time and attention. There definitely are some people who are poly-oriented as a relational orientation, and that for them, this is a fixed orientation just as certainly as some people are 100% gay or straight. However, the majority of poly people I have met and/or worked with over the decades do not see their poly orientation as a fixed sexual or relational orientation but rather much more relevant to the specific relationships they have been involved in during the course of their lives.
The reader says that “wanting more partners to fill some sort of hole is *never* a good reason to seek multiple partners.” However, in my own personal experience and in my experience as a counselor, it often is a very effective strategy to add a new partner to fill a need that is not being met in a current relationship, as long as that pre-existing relationship is happy and fulfilling in many other ways.
“Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships evolved differently. A friend was at work on a book about ‘poly geezers’….my friend changed the focus for his book….”
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>> ~~~ Good…because the term “geezer” in and of itself is ageist.
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>> Ken Haslam is an 85-year-old retired medical doctor and the founder and curator of the Polyamory Collection at the Kinsey Library at the University of Indiana in Bloomington, Indiana, and he coined the term “poly geezers” many years ago to describe himself and others in our age group who have been poly for many years. This is not meant to be demeaning in any way, but to self-identify in a humorous way. I am sorry that the reader has felt insulted by this term, but for at least 20 years, many poly elders have used this term to self-identify, and it may be similar to the way some gay men call themselves and each other “faggots” and the way some elderly lesbians call themselves and each other “dykes.”
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>> However, you will be happy to hear that my publisher, Rowman and Littlefield, agrees with you, and they felt that the term “geezer” might offend people. They encouraged me to use the term poly elders instead of poly geezers, which I did throughout most of the book but I did use the term geezer a number of times as well.
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“My process was not scientific, and my research methods were informal. I interviewed a lot of my older poly clients, and recruited other people through poly discussion groups.”
~~ We never heard from you in the only online poly group specifically for older adult poly folk, “Poly-Over-50”. https://www.facebook.com/groups/poly.over.50
There actually are many different older poly groups, both on-line and in person, and I did interview many people from quite a diverse multitude of older poly folks. I am sorry I was not aware of the group you mention, the Poly-Over-50 group,but perhaps your group was a little bit young, as most of the people I interviewed were at least 65 years old or over. I would love to hear from people in your group to add to my knowledge as well as to hopefully enhance a second edition of this book, which I do hope to write in the near future.
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“Most poly geezers…..”
~~ This is outrageously offensive. We are not “geezers”. We’re older adults. Read up on ageism……please.
Please see notes on terminology above.
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“….have been with their partners for decades, and the longevity, stability, and security of their relationships has made them feel safe and loved.”
~~ This grossly overlooks the many older adults who have transitioned from monogamy to non-monogamy later in life.
There is a small percentage of older poly folks who have only discovered or explored polyamory as elders. However, the majority of people that I was able to locate and interview had been poly for several decades, but some had taken a break from polyamory while their children were young and while they were very busy with careers, mainly due to not having the time or energy to pursue multiple relationships during that intensely busy and exhausting time period, but were eager to resume their poly life once they had more time and energy after the kids had left home and/or they were moving towards retirement from their jobs.
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““throuples”
~~ This is a term foisted on the poly community by Hollywood and the majority of us in the culture do not use or accept it.
I have no idea where this term came from, and I only use it in the book because it was used by many people I interviewed who were in relationships of three people living together. I don’t have any judgement of any terminology, but tried to use whatever phrases people used to self-identify.
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“…a primary couple cohabiting and having other significant outside relationships.”
~~ This is an old and worn-out model of non-monogamy. Now, the goal is to eliminate the idea and practice of couple-primacy and the idea that other relationships are “outside” of that coupledom and focus more on individuals exercising their free will choices….while also fostering multiple committed relationships.
I do not judge any poly relationship model, as there are many models and each person and each relationship will choose the model that fits best into their lives and which works best to make them happy. The vast majority of the poly elders I interviewed lived in couples, and usually each person in that couple has another significant long-term relationship with someone who does not live with them full-time. That is the model that they chose decades ago and which has served them well over the past 20, 30, 40, or 50 or more years. I am only reporting that this model has been successful for the majority of poly elders that I was able to locate and interview. I am not making any value judgement about whether this is the ideal or perfect model, but I cannot dispute that it is the model that has worked the best for the most people for the most years. These individuals have freely chosen this model and they have chosen to continue living in couples for several decades. A small percentage of the poly elders that I interviewed live in triads, a small percentage of poly elders live alone as single or in other configurations. Clearly, the model that most poly elders have chosen and that has worked well for them is the couple model with committed long-term outside relationships.
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“It is not clear whether younger poly people are more likely than elders to live in triads, quads, or other configurations where more than two partners are living together as a family.”
~~ If you paid attention to any of the better poly groups you would know this is rare across all ages.
My experience is that many younger poly people are trying out these newer models of triads, quads, cohousing or communal living, but most of these do not seem to last more than a few years. I believe it is too early to know whether poly people will be able to make these more non-traditional models work, and I choose to with hold any judgement in the hopes that people can make many different models work.
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“And I could find no research to indicate whether younger poly folks are more likely to live alone than poly elders.”
~~ Solo-Poly – which is an identity term for those who intentionally avoid getting in the relationship escalator – is increasing across all ages.
I have seen many people identify as Solo Poly, but in my personal and professional experience, this seems to be a transitional identify for most people, and I have seen many people be Solo Poly for a few years but eventually cohabit or marry a partner and live in a couple formation. As with triads, quads, and other nontraditional poly configurations, I believe it is still too early to know whether a significant number of poly folks will identify (and live) as Solo Poly for the long-term, or whether this is a poly lifestyle that is more transitional when someone is going through a divorce or other transition in their life and does not want to get into a committed relationship.
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“Many younger poly folks also practice relationship anarchy, a non-hierarchical relationship model, where they do not live with any partner, each person is very autonomous and not part of a couple, and each of their relationships is very fluid.”
~~ That’s not what RA is….and a lot of older poly folk practice RA too. RA at its basic foundation is an approach to relationships that rejects the societally enforced assumption that relationships should rank in our lives in accordance with their nature. For example, romantic relationships should be more important to us than our family of origin, and our family of origin should be more important to us than friends, etc. RA also stand on the principle that everyone has a right to full agency regarding the decisions they make regarding who they choose to connect with other people. Polyamory itself is supposed to be practiced in a way where intentional power imbalances are not present…which is what a hierarchy is…a system intentionally created to empower certain people over others. Many RA-Poly folk live with partners. Being RA-Poly has nothing to do with whether one lives with a partner or not. Solo-Poly is a practice where the person intentionally chooses to no cohabit with partners, identify as being “part of a couple”, or get on the relationship escalator in other ways. Additionally. Poly folk of ALL AGES fit the description of what you just described. This approach to relationships is not only practiced by “younger poly folk”.
I have not seen very many older poly folks practicing Relationship Anarchy. This seems much more common among younger people, and in my experience, many of them abandon RA as soon as they become seriously involved with a partner and want to commit to living together and being in a primary relationship. This is not true of everyone, but I have seen many people who profess to be RA and then a year later they are getting married and having children with someone and living in a very hierarchical model of polyamory. Again, I am not judging any model, just reporting on what I see in the poly community and in my private practice doing counseling with poly people.
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“Poly elders are more likely to be in a hierarchical form of polyamory, as part of a married or cohabiting couple that is considered their primary relationship, or which may be a co-primary relationship as they may have another lover that is also a long-term committed partnership.”
~~ There’s a difference between “ranking order poly” (ranking partners as primary, secondary, etc.) and hierarchical constructs which are intended to make it possible for certain people to power-over other people. You seem to not know the difference. Also, a lot of us older poly folk soundly reject both limiting constructs.
Again, I am not judging or privileging any particular model of polyamory. My book is an attempt at a “field report” about what is happening out in the big wide world of poly elders, which has not really been reported on up to now. I want to provide as much information as possible about what poly elders are doing, what has worked for them, what problems they are experiencing, and how they have tried to solve those problems.
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“A major concern voiced by many poly geezers….”
~~ Again with the ageist terminology. Why? Do you think it’s cute?
I do not think “geezers” is cute, just using a term that many people I interviewed used to describe themselves.
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“Poly people may have to follow their example and develop new poly-friendly senior housing where poly elders can feel accepted.”
~~ I can agree with this. Better yet, promote a change in how older adults are treated in their later years and create systems that allow them to stay at home.
So glad that there is something we agree on! In the book, I strongly recommend the poly folks buy Long Term Care (LTC) Insurance so they will have more choices in their elder years, so they can choose to use their LTC Insurance to pay for in-home care or to move into a Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing Facility or Dementia Care/Memory Care Facility. Having LTC Insurance gives elders much more control over the care they receive and whether they stay in their homes or move into a care facility of some type.
“…motivations generally fall into two categories: More or Different. Some people want to have more than one partner because they love everything they are getting in their relationship but would like more of it….Others are happy with their relationship but there is some key resource missing.”
~~ You failed to mention the number one reason…..the majority of poly folk in poly groups state that they just aren’t monogamously oriented…period. Therefore we have no wish to limit ourselves to a single partner if we meet others who we also mesh well with. And…wanting more partners to fill some sort of hole is *never* a good reason to seek multiple partners.
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“Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships evolved differently. A friend was at work on a book about ‘poly geezers’….my friend changed the focus for his book….”
~~~ Good…because the term “geezer” in and of itself is ageist.
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“My process was not scientific, and my research methods were informal. I interviewed a lot of my older poly clients, and recruited other people through poly discussion groups.”
~~ We never heard from you in the only online poly group specifically for older adult poly folk, “Poly-Over-50”. https://www.facebook.com/groups/poly.over.50
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“Most poly geezers…..”
~~ This is outrageously offensive. We are not “geezers”. We’re older adults. Read up on ageism……please.
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“….have been with their partners for decades, and the longevity, stability, and security of their relationships has made them feel safe and loved.”
~~ This grossly overlooks the many older adults who have transitioned from monogamy to non-monogamy later in life.
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.
““throuples”
~~ This is a term foisted on the poly community by Hollywood and the majority of us in the culture do not use or accept it.
.
.
“…a primary couple cohabiting and having other significant outside relationships.”
~~ This is an old and worn-out model of non-monogamy. Now, the goal is to eliminate the idea and practice of couple-primacy and the idea that other relationships are “outside” of that coupledom and focus more on individuals exercising their free will choices….while also fostering multiple committed relationships.
.
.
“It is not clear whether younger poly people are more likely than elders to live in triads, quads, or other configurations where more than two partners are living together as a family.”
~~ If you paid attention to any of the better poly groups you would know this is rare across all ages.
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“And I could find no research to indicate whether younger poly folks are more likely to live alone than poly elders.”
~~ Solo-Poly – which is an identity term for those who intentionally avoid getting in the relationship escalator – is increasing across all ages.
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“Many younger poly folks also practice relationship anarchy, a non-hierarchical relationship model, where they do not live with any partner, each person is very autonomous and not part of a couple, and each of their relationships is very fluid.”
~~ That’s not what RA is….and a lot of older poly folk practice RA too. RA at its basic foundation is an approach to relationships that rejects the societally enforced assumption that relationships should rank in our lives in accordance with their nature. For example, romantic relationships should be more important to us than our family of origin, and our family of origin should be more important to us than friends, etc. RA also stand on the principle that everyone has a right to full agency regarding the decisions they make regarding who they choose to connect with other people. Polyamory itself is supposed to be practiced in a way where intentional power imbalances are not present…which is what a hierarchy is…a system intentionally created to empower certain people over others. Many RA-Poly folk live with partners. Being RA-Poly has nothing to do with whether one lives with a partner or not. Solo-Poly is a practice where the person intentionally chooses to no cohabit with partners, identify as being “part of a couple”, or get on the relationship escalator in other ways. Additionally. Poly folk of ALL AGES fit the description of what you just described. This approach to relationships is not only practiced by “younger poly folk”.
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“Poly elders are more likely to be in a hierarchical form of polyamory, as part of a married or cohabiting couple that is considered their primary relationship, or which may be a co-primary relationship as they may have another lover that is also a long-term committed partnership.”
~~ There’s a difference between “ranking order poly” (ranking partners as primary, secondary, etc.) and hierarchical constructs which are intended to make it possible for certain people to power-over other people. You seem to not know the difference. Also, a lot of us older poly folk soundly reject both limiting constructs.
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“A major concern voiced by many poly geezers….”
~~ Again with the ageist terminology. Why? Do you think it’s cute?
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“Poly people may have to follow their example and develop new poly-friendly senior housing where poly elders can feel accepted.”
~~ I can agree with this. Better yet, promote a change in how older adults are treated in their later years and create systems that allow them to stay at home.
To connect with older poly folk to learn and discuss polyamory the best place to go is https://www.facebook.com/groups/poly.over.50
Thank you for taking the time for this lengthy comment, Rowan. I defer to the author of the book and guest post, Kathy Labriola, to reply regarding the specifics of her book and article.
Meanwhile two general points from me.
First regarding terminology:
My son who has cerebral palsy was born when the agency providing services in California was still called “Crippled Children’s Services,” better known as CCS. Under pressure from consumers, the agency kept its initials but changed its name to “California Children’s Services.” This was back in the era when “handicapped” was the accepted term. By the time my son grew up we had gone through “disabled” and “persons with disabilities.” When my son was in his twenties the new term was “differently abled,” which my son found ludicrous.
What I take from talking with my son about this: When a group of people is stigmatized in society, the terminology used to describe the group gradually takes on the same stigma, and then particular terms fall out of favor. That cycle keeps happening unless and until the stigma is eradicated. At age 69, I see the same thing happening with people over 65. “Senior” seems cringe-worthy, as does “senior citizen.” Anti-ageism advocate Ashton Applewhite has suggested “olders,” which I like but don’t see used much. I notice you don’t suggest an alternative to “geezer,” which to me has a jaunty and humorous ring to it.
Which leads to my second point:
There is a certain humorless and “gotcha” strain in progressive thinking which at times leads people of good will to attack those who are natural allies. This impulse can lead to a circular firing squad–hardly a helpful result. I appreciate that you found something praiseworthy to mention about Kathy’s book, and I hope that on reflection further bridge building will occur. I believe Labriola’s book to be an important addition to the literature about living well after sixty, and I am confident that many others, including many in the poly community, will agree.
With all best wishes.