We all know that there are advantages to passing as a member of a socially preferred group, whether through able-bodied privilege, straight privilege, married privilege, or racial privilege.
It was no surprise when I read an article by an older woman recommending to her sister writers of erotic fiction that we disguise ourselves and our characters as young. Her reasoning was that young sex sells, young sex gets published, and old sex does not. Why not pass, borrow the privilege of youth, and make more money? It's no different than the Brontes, really, when they began their careers by publishing with male names.

But the flip side of passing is the lost opportunity to expand our own horizons and educate others. When we let people assume we are different than who we are, we allow them to continue their denial. We make a tacit agreement: "I won't rock your boat and you won't treat me as less-than."

Passing may be a great bargain in the short term, but it has costs over time, in attitudes that don't change, in lost opportunities for personal growth. Still, we must choose our battles. For example, at age 65, I was not ready to let my hair go grey, although grey is my authentic color. I am not prepared for the uphill slog of proving to each person I meet that I remain vivid and capable. The fix - the twenty minutes a month I spend dying my hair - was just too easy. Plus, I tell myself, why shouldn't I have the same right to dye my hair as a younger woman? I know women my age who are grey, and I respect that choice, but it's not my fight.
To me, this business of writing sexy characters past midlife is a bigger deal than hair color. It is a battle worth choosing. This is our voice. This is our opportunity to let ourselves and others in on the "secret" that women past midlife can be vibrant and alive. That when we live in sin, we are blissfully sinning; that when we marry, we want more than a companion; that when we date, we are older women with new relationship energy. 
We each make our own decisions about writing, just as we make our own decisions about sex itself.
Not every woman wants to remain sexual past menopause. Some put it down like a burden; others take it up like a victory flag. It changes everything when we put aside stereotypes and pay attention to what we need. When we do, we may decide to continue or even ramp up our sexuality after midlife. We may decide to combine our creativity and sexuality to write erotica in playful exploration, during our wise ripe years. We may decide to share what we write with others, through writing groups, performance, publications; or to keep our writing to ourselves, for our own joy and validation. And we may choose to write as ourselves, with characters who share our complexity, as humans who have lived full lives, loved much, desired much, and experienced much. 

If there are limited opportunities for women to publish erotica that reflects our true age, let's nudge the world toward our joy. We won't be the first: Writers like Jane Juska and Erica Jong, and anthology editors like Lynx Cannon and Joan Price, have carried that torch. We can keep it going. 
Let's be brave and fearless and sexy, let's find our voices, take our paths, strut our stuff. Let us be each other's biggest fans. Let us read erotica by and for older women. Let us write fearlessly, read joyfully, and love passionately. 


If not now, when?

If not us, who? 


Let's do it!

Stella Fosse